On Being Socially Awkward

Do you ever go somewhere and simply try to be yourself, and then when you get home and think about it, you're embarrassed about some of the things you've said?

This happens to me all the time. I go to an event, meet people, talk to them, and then go home and slap myself for saying stupid things. The thing is, I know that one of my weaknesses is in my speech. I tend not to be very clear about what I'm talking about, and sometimes what has happened is when someone asks me a question, I tend to give them a whole background answer but forget to answer the actual question. (I have a classic example of this if anyone wants to know what I mean).

I mean, it's okay to act this way...to be a dumbass and unclear with a group of friends who know me and understand this...but to be like this with complete strangers or unfamiliar people? Many times, in looking back in retrospect, I hate myself....

Sick and frustrated with school...

My normal enthusiasm for learning has dissipated.

As of right now, I detest school and am on an indefinite strike from school work. I can't muster the energy to induce mental masturbation to produce work. This is not a good thing considering that this is crunch time. :S

"The Size Six Harem" - borrowing Mernissi's term

I don't think anyone in our society would deny that Western media (in all forms and shapes: billboards, magazines, commercials, novels, etc) has mass produced images of female beauty that are, quite frankly, quite unhealthy.

Songs such as this one below help women, especially young girls, develop confidence in being just who they are. I think more songs like this are needed to combat the illusionary ideals of womanhood.

India Arie - Video Lyrics

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

When I look in the mirror the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes I'm lovin' what I see

Am I less of a lady If I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion confusion'sthe name of the game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was senthere to share with y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Free your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cause everything's gonna be all right

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your Caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your krystyle and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of Crystal
Don't need your sillicone, I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

Must reads...

Recently I've discovered 2 new books that I absolutely love so in case anyone still checks this, I want to recommend this to you. It is HIGHLY recommended.

Fatema Mernissi: Dreams of Trespass

Fatema Mernissi: Scheherazade Goes West: Different Cultures, Different Harems

Enjoy :) Jenn

Grad School...

Hmm...where do I begin? Well, moving here to Hamilton was sorta hectic as most of you know. However, since the title of this post says "Grad School," I feel obliged to specifically write about grad school. How is grad school so far you ask?

Well...McMaster had a TA Day this past Wednesday (a day of workshops organized to help TAs better improve their pedagogy) and I met a lot of other grad students. At the end of the day, each grad department had their own departmental session so I was able to meet the other 20 students in my program as well as the director and associate director of the Institute of Globalization and the Human Condition. People came from pretty impressive backgrounds so I was a little bit intimidated but there was a free dinner offered for TAs at one of the campus' pubs so I went.

It turned out that most of the people from my program also went so I sat with them. I must say, we had some intense/interesting conversations already on the first day. Well, maybe not terribly intense but it was interesting. We talked about some of the issues and questions I've had since my undergrad so I was relieved to hear other people being concern about the same things as I was.

And then today was a night of good fortune. So I attend this workshop the other day about CUPE 3906 (the union I belong to now that I'm a TA) and it incited my interest about joining. I knew from their flyers and announcements that they were having a social tonight so I decided against returning home to collect some of the things I forgot last weekend and decided instead to attend this social. I was pretty nervous about it because I knew that I would know no one. And you know what? I really didn't know a single bloody person when I walked into that door. It was so awkward at first that I automatically considered walking back out. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the fact that someone had already seen me walk in.

Anyway, after a long period of awkwardness and standing by myself with my spring roll and samosa and bottle of water, people started coming up to me to ask me questions. And before long, it got a lot better! I met a whole bunch of other grad students in other fields. I found two grad students who were alumni from my Globalization program so it was immensely interesting to hear their perspectives about the program. So I made some friends tonight but the best thing was that I won the raffle for an ipod shuffle!!! Can you believe my turn of good fortune? (Oh, I also won a beer mug at the TA Bash)

Annnnd, that's not all. I now have plans for tomorrow morning. And I thought I was going to sit home all day on Saturday and stare at my walls. Yay for me!

In the Land Down Under

I've been here 5 days now...here's a quick recap of the past 5 days:

Day 1: I arrived here early morning and within 20 minutes of settling into Dan's place, we're off to catch a bus to meet up with Isaac. I was a little hesitant at first since I had a turbulent flight in which I got sick but it all worked out well. We did lots of walking and got to see many things on my first day. We first hit off at the Sydney Aquarium which was awesome! Hung out at the Darling Harbour & went to the posh Lindt cafe for hot chocolate. Walked around the Rocks, Sydney's most prestigious & oldest area, and dined at the Pancakes on the Rocks. Did a whole bunch of other stuff in between and ended up having dinner and drinks at a pub downtown - $5 meals! Needless to say, my first day was jammed packed..

Day 2: Went out to the Blue Mountains, which is about a 2 hour train ride west of Sydney. It was pretty damn cold there. Oh I forgot to mention, it's pretty chilly here in Sydney. I was unfortunate enough to arrive during one of the coldest and rainest winters they've experienced in 10+ years. But Sydney's winters are nothing compared to the weather at Blue Mountains...I friggin' freezed to death. I bought a hat and mittens upon arriving. I saw the 3 sisters, did some bush-walking, rode the SkyRail and the 90 degree steep steep train ride. Got back to Sydney around dinner time. Dan had to go take care of some other business so Isaac and I hung out. We walked around Darling Harbour before settling on an expensive restaurant to eat at. It was his last night in Australia so it was his choice. Afterwards, we went to the casino and then went home.

Day 3: Met up w/ Dan the next morning for breakfast before Isaac left. We had Mackers (McDonalds) & then went to Paddy's Markets so that Isaac could do a little souvenir shopping for his fam. Isaac left before noon so I told Dan that I wanted to explore the city on my own. We split up & I walked up Wentworth Ave. Saw Hyde Park, St. Mary's Cathedral, Martin's place, the Currency museum and the beautiful Royal Botanical Gardens. The edge of the Gardens had an amazing view of the Opera House & the Harbour Bridge. I actually took some nice pics from Mrs Macquares Point & also walked up close to the Opera House. It was a much warmer & more splendid day until it started to drizzle. Had to cancel the rest of my plans for the afternoon & headed home. Dan & I made dinner.

Day 4: the Taronga Zoo! Got to see koalas, platypuses, kangaroos, wombats and a live free flight bird show. The zoo is a ferry ride across from the city and it has a stunning view of the Opera House & the Harbour Bridge with the cityline in it. It has got to be one of the most expensive zoos in the world cause it's on prime real estate. Those animals sure get great views of the city! Great day with the warmer weather...At night, Dan & I went to the grocers and got stuff so that I could make Shepherds Pie. Um what else? Oh ya! I tried the McOz here...it's the Australian specialty from McDonalds...available only here. There was a beet root in my burger for the McOz...weird eh?

Day 5 (Sat): Captain Cook's Harbour Cruise in the morning; went back to see the weekend markets happening at the Rocks. The market was awesome...a definite highlight of my day...just spent an hour touring those little streets, admiring everything. Walked all the way down George St. to Paddy's Market to pick up souvenirs for my friends & fam this time. Dan met up with me in the afternoon so that we could go to the Fish Markets & have an authentic experience. Very good food. Ended the day by hiking across the city to Bondi Beach - Sydney's most famous beach - watched ppl surf there for a bit.

Day 6 (Sun - today): Hillsongs & Church. Made a late lunch with Dan. Planned out my trip to Melbourne & the Gold Coast. Celebrations for Canada's Day in the late evening. Probably a pub or something with other Canadians.

The rest of the week I'll be heading out to Melbourne and the Gold Coast....backpacking. Wish me luck at those hostels and let's hope I have a great time and better luck with the weather.

Well that was a great five years...

So as many of you know, yesterday afternoon was my convocation for my Bachelor of Education degree. Needless to say, I did not attend my Bachelor of Arts convocation. Besides the 30 degree weather and the heat stroke I was getting from sitting under the spotlights with thick robes on me, it was a fantastic day.

Naomi's finance rented a limo to pick us up and drive us to York which was fun times. I did almost do a flip in the car and flashed everyone but I learned from my mistakes and wore my seatbelt the next time the driver decided to break hard. Hmm...what else? The ceremony was endless...it felt like we had a million people graduating from the Faculty of Ed. I wonder how we're all going to get jobs with everyone coming out with a BEd. At the end of the day though, it was a good day cause I could finally breath and say that I've finished my five years at York. My parents and Ken were really good sports too and sat patiently through the whole ceremony to watch me walk on stage for those 30 seconds to shake the hands of the President and Vice-Chancellor, the Chancellor, and the Dean of Education. Afterwards we had some cake and sandwiches, picked up our diplomas and headed over to Daniela's house where a graduation potluck was being held.

All the grads got buttons that said "Congrats Grad!" We had a fabulous meal of Portugese chicken and potatoes, lebanese dips and falafel and pastries, Chinese marinated pork chops, and Canadian cake and fruit. Oh ya, and Spanish stuff too. Our parents were forced to interact with one anther which was socially awkward at first but in the end, it turned out okay. :) Thanks everyone for a good time. And thank you Daniela's family for hosting this event. And thank you Ken for coming out at the cost of your own sleep! Good job Naomi, Steve, Krista and D for surviving the trials and tribulations of the Concurrent program!! Yay for us!

sooo summer 2007 officially begins...

for the first time in 5 years, i can officially relax. i'm not juggling between work and summer school this year...nor am i off trying to make my way through the foreign streets of beijing, thailand and hong kong. i'll be officially unemployed in two weeks and i can do whatever i please. i can sleep in, go for a run, do some gardening, take a walk, cook something new, make a scrapbook...do whatever the heck i want and not feel badly about wasting my time! i'm going to have so much fun. i've spent the past week, organizing all my files and throwing away all the books and notes that i've accumulated in my undergrad. there's nothing more satisfying than sitting down and relaxing in a nice clean room.

oh, and i've also booked my tickets to visit dan in australia! this summer is going to be awesome!

today was a good day...

i find that i am bipolar when it comes to teaching. there are some days that are just awful and i think to myself, "man...i never wanna be a teacher." and then there are those days where i think i'm an awful teacher...and then there are days like today where i think to myself, "i can do this...it's not too bad."

my kids are getting really into their animal unit - they can tell me about all the characteristics of a mammal & an insect and can tell me the difference b/t herbivores, omnivores, and carnivores. the live mealworm pets we have in class have also changed into beetles and they are super psyched about that! they've been playing these animal games in their free time so they can sort and classify animals according to their characteristics. and my lesson where i taught them explicitly how to label, name, identify, look for key words, and match have really gotten them going on their animal centers...i can't be more proud of my grade 2s!

like when we had our Smart Board lesson today where i had students model & demonstrate what to do for the computer center, the kids knew all the questions to the website game!!! it's so satisfying when i see that my students learn and absorb the material. i almost want to stay past my one month block because i know that i won't be able to finish my math, language and science units by next thursday. it's going to be really difficult for me to leave this class because i've grown so attached to them...

i'll probably post a sobful entry next thursday about me leaving them... :(

3 more weeks and i'll be done...

so i've finished one week of my block and i have three left to go. and just my luck, i have fallen prey to simon's deathly illness. i have a painfully sore throat, a mild fever and the runny nose. i refuse to take any days off from my block because if i do, that'll simply mean i'm delaying the end date. sooo what to do what to do?

on top of that, i can't wait to be out of this house. really, i cannot wait to move out and start my life in hamilton attending mcmaster's. i am 24 years old and much too old to live under the tyranny that is my mother. i find myself going crazy because of her. i think i'm slowly going insane....

a Saturday night spent like I had no school...

i watched ninja turtles today. afterwards, we watched 300. TMNT was cheesy but it had its funny moments. 300, on the other hand, was awesome. besides the gore, it was truly awesome.

Jenn's Terms of Endearment...

While some have the gift of poetry, or gift of words...I find that mine are rather limited. Not that I mind at all. I think that my lack of enthusiasm for lovely dovely stuff might stem from my cultural heritage. While I am a sentimental person and can appreciate expressions, or acts, of love, I generally appreciate these things in private.
And my appreciation also comes with a limit for cheesiness...as my friend Steven Braga often says, "That's SOOO friggin' gay man."

These are phrases that I use when I am expressing gratitude, appreciation, or love for someone.

1. "I like you"
2. "You're SOOO funny..hahhaha" or as Steve often hears it, "You're funnier than (x)"
3. "You're so _______" (Insert nice, great, cute, sweet, etc in here)
4. "Awww..thanks. You're the best!"

and my most often one....."Ken, I like you."

about my friend daniela...

my friend daniela is sooo loud....

she is the bossiest and most abusive person i know...

today she flicked/slapped my forehead for no apparent reason at all and then our friend karen dropped her mouth open in shock. i was stunned too...

and then yesterday my friend daniela grabbed a bottle of orange juice from my hand claiming that it was hers when i clearly took it for myself first....naomi was a witness to this event...

and on monday i found out that latinos have different rules for turn-taking in a conversation...which might explain my friend daniela's behaviour....

ALSO I SHOULD ADD THAT YESTERDAY WITHOUT ASKING, DANIELA PULLED THE CHARGER OUT OF MY COMPUTER AND PUT IT INTO HERS!!! (nice eh?)

so this is in tribute to my great PAL daniela...she is awesome!!

running around like a headless chicken...

ok, i think it's time for me to post something new up so those nasty pics of me are bumped down. anyway, just a quick question for all of you: at what points in your life have you felt the most stressed? and what do you do what you are stressed? is there a routine you do to alleviate the stress, or do you just run around like a frantic crazy person like me?


i had a breakdown this weekend cause i was just overswamped with stuff...with school, with FESA, with responsibilities, with my to do list, with work and with friends...it got to a point where i just went beserk and for half hour, i think i lost all sanity. but usually that's not what i do: i usually run around my house all frantic, searching for things and yelling commands at simon to get me stuff b/c i'm in a rush...or i'll pull all-nighters with lots of coffee and stay up all night to finish my assignments. i think i usually handle stress well...don't you?

Painful Memories

Waking up this morning was a reminder of our 8 hour day of skiing yesterday. My leg muscles hurt, my bum muscles hurt, and my neck and elbow hurt...on the topic of being in pain, I was reminded about a time I had in Beijing. Look below.

Some Cultural Info about the Chinese

Hello my friends,

I've come today to share with you a little tip that will make your lives a whole lot better and your relationships with Chinese people a whole less tense.

And that is this: Chinese people, by nature, are truthfully honest...to the point that it's blunt and hurtful. This is a cultural endowment...however, the extent to which a Chinese person possesses this DOES depend on whether they're recent immigrants. With increased time spent in Western culture, this quality does tend to diminish.

I warn you of this friends because though I am of Chinese descent myself, there are times when EVEN I am offended.

Scenario 1:
I bumped into Adam's mom a few months back. Before even saying hello, the woman greets with me a "WAAAAA...you've gained so much weight that I hardly recognize you." And then without so much as a greeting, she turns away and walks into church with her husband.

Scenario 2:
My dad and mom were talking outside my room this morning while I was still asleep. My dad had said to me last night, "Man, you're getting so fat...I can see it in your face." I ignored this comment of course as my parents frequently make comments of this nature to me. BUT, when I was asleep this morning, my dad said to my mom (outside my door): "Your daughter is getting fat." My mom disagrees to which my dad bursts into my room and yells, "NO. LOOK HERE. HER FACE IS A LIKE A LITTLE PIGGY'S!" He then walks away...and I remain sleeping in my bed.

These scenarios are nostalgic of my high school days where I had occassions of frequent break outs. My dear old Auntie Ibie would never fail to tell me at church on Sunday mornings, "WAAA Ying-Ying. You have a VERY big pimple on your face." Not only would she say this but sometimes she would actually point and say, "There's one right there."

A normal person when faced with these situations would go home and cry or go hide their face. But I of course have a thicker hide since I have grown up all my life to these kind of remarks. And I suggest that you begin to develop one too if you are to interact with the Chinese community at all.

Naomi's Shower...

Below are some pictures of the surprise shower we threw Naomi at Daniela's house on Sat. Feb. 10th.






It was a potluck so these are some of the fabulous dishes we had.






Here is another pic. Can you tell that I love food?










On the left is Naomi's mom. On the right is Lidia...we're laughing cause of the games.







The girls here are playing my laundry game - the test of whether you're housewife material.











Here Naomi is crying about the recipe scrapbook we gave her. (It contained all the meals we brought to the potluck).











Another game we played...it gets funnier.









Naomi's laughing here cause she has to put on some XXXL undies...maybe black wasn't such a good choice when we were at the dollarstore, D. She's wearing a black top.

























And....the final product....sexy bride, isn't she?






Unfortunately, after this event my camera ran out of batteries...so the world can't see the gorgeous wedding gown Krista and I made out of newspaper.

in tribute to a very speciial person...in celebration to the anniversary of his birth

Happy Birthday Ken!

Your friends and family love you dearly! :) Jenn

oh, my Grade 2s!

tuesdays are my practicum days, as many of you know. i returned this week after calling in sick the week prior...and it couldn't have been better. upon entering, one of my students says to me, "why were you away last week, ms. huang?" after explaining that i was sick, another student comes up to me and hands me a card that says "i miss you, ms huang."

it's moments like these that make me reconsider my decision to put teaching on the backburner. once again today, my host teacher hinted that it would be nice if i took over her room and her stuff next year when she's away on mat. leave. while i love the staff and the school, i don't think i'm ready to settle down yet...i'm scared that accepting such a position would make me complacent with my life here. i'll end up settling down and living the typical north american life.

it was funny but at lunch i had an interesting conversation with another staff member. he said that when he graduated, he had all these dreams about travelling the world but he ended up settling down with a nice girl, making mortgage payments and having children. even though his wife and him are both teachers and could find international work easily, his partner won't budge. similarly, i went back to my last host school (malvern) today (to get my principal's reference) and had almost an identical conversation with one of the teachers there.

so my determination to continue on with grad school and to work a few years internationally was confirmed. however, sticking with it will be the hard part. i'll just have to keep telling myself that i'm only 24 and that i have my whole life to teach and to settle down with whatever career it is that i choose...

but visiting malvern today made me a bit soft...i saw the little grade ones i had two years ago who are now in grade 3. they're simply adorable - my favourite student, osama, definitely has a soft spot in my heart...besides being the smallest boy (who was also the brightest kid in the class), his words on my last day made me tear. he said something along the lines: "ms. huang, THANK you for everything you taught us. i learned so much from you and i think you're going to be a GREAT teacher." He was only in Grade One at the time...GRade One!!! I'll never forget that kid. sigh. the joys of teaching sometimes.

Stop being a lurker...

In my recent visits to friends' blogs over these past few days, I've realized that we've all become lazy...we visit each other's sites and read the whole story but are too lazy to comment. We've all become lurkers!! I mean, this is okay to do when you're on a forum...like one of those gamefaqs or anime hits...but this is unacceptable for each other.

We're all friends...how is it that we're become lurkers for each other's sites? Don't we have even a small comment for each other's posts? Like, cool I like your picture. Nah, Naomi don't cry. Or Daniela, write shorter posts, damnit!! Where is the support? HUH?!!